9:30pm

Sometimes, I question whether it's all worth it. I told my psychologist that I was starting to lose faith in it all and she said to try not to. Because things will get better. I'm told that a lot. My GP, my old advisor, my friends...
"just keep going, make it through the day, you'll start to feel better soon".

It's not that I doubt the ability or knowledge of my psychologist, but, as we've discovered, the point I've reached now, the low that I'm at, is 20 odd years in the making. And I'm supposed to have faith that a few months of talk therapy will get to the root of my many many issues and start to resolve them? It just seems so impossible and improbable.

I do want to get better. Otherwise I wouldn't have kept it all up. I go to every. single. appointment. I've tried so so so many things, and the net result is that I've hit a pretty low, low. A persistent flat low, and I'm just drifting along trying not to get lost in it all.

It's just getting harder and harder to keep up the faith and believe things can change, and on top of that, me, this me that I am will be able to do whatever it is I need to create this change...